june 8th 2017.

alone. scared. failure. lost. heartbroken. stressed. these are the only feelings that i feel now.
in the last couple of months, i have developed the most over-whelming sense of feminism. i’ve always been a bit of a feminist, but not quite this strong. i’m currently at a point where i know i don’t need a boyfriend/partner in my life, i will stick up for myself and/or another person if i feel that someone else is attacking that persons well-being. for crying out loud: i got into a very heated discussion with a colleague not long ago about abortions, and how passionate & for them i am. not because i don’t like children, but because i think a woman should have control over what happens with her body. i don’t allow men to pay for me all of the time, and quite often i offer to pay the whole bill. i’ve gone well off-track now, but you get it. i’m a feminist.
the problem now is that i’ve spent so much time building up this sense of confidence, and finding strength with-in myself, that i now feel alone. i have my family and they’re amazing, but i don’t have anyone else. 
my ex-boyfriend couldn’t quite grasp the fact that i had become very independent: so he called me a selfish bitch and walked out. i’m not selfish, but i do stick up for myself, my god. i’m now scared though. i can’t afford to move out of home on my own, and there is no way that i can flat with other people. my plan was to move out of home with my boyfriend. i know that i could not stay with him any longer: the relationship was unhealthy. but i don’t know how to support myself financially in the way that i need on my own. 
i’m in my early-early twenties, i don’t go out partying, or have a friend-group. i don’t really know how i’m going to meet new people, or find a new boyfriend. this always comes back to boys/men doesn’t it…

done.

i hate him. i fucking hate him. i hate him so fucking much. i want to punch him right in his big dumb face. before i start with this, i need to mention that i have a couple of girl friends, but i mainly get along with and am friends with guys. this isn’t a new thing, it’s how i’ve always been. i don’t sleep with every second guy, i just get along with them because i am one-of-the-boys.

 

so, after i wrote the post about “eric” and i breaking up, we got back together. things were going alright, except for all of the stupid fights. one night, we went out to a bar with a bunch of our mutual friends. he got up and went to the bar with one of the guys, the other guys went off to find girls, and the girls went to the bathroom, so i was on my own. i found one of the guys in our group and stood next to him while i typed a text to eric to find out where he was. mid-text, he comes over, hands me a drink, and storms off texting me telling me to “have him” (talking about the guy who i was standing with – who has a girlfriend). it turned into a big text-argument between us while we sat next to each other at the table with our friends, until i got tired of it, walked out, and caught a taxi home. he kept texting me calling me all kinds of names until i got tired of it, turned my phone off & went to sleep while he stayed out with everyone and got even more drunk. the next morning came and he wouldn’t stop apologizing. it was at this point, i started to regret my decision to get back with him.

 

a couple of weeks go by, and he starts up again about my friendship with this guy (let’s call him “roger”) that i’ve been friends with for years. i was snapchatting roger back and forward one night, then eric left the room to go & have a shower and texted me asking what was going on between roger and i, that i should just go and be with roger. i texted him back saying that he was crazy, and the thought of roger and i being together romantically is insane and hilarious. he eventually dropped it and had flowers delivered to my work a couple of days later.

 

then came the argument that ended us again. i’d been having the week from hell, having fights with my family at home, work was becoming massive, and my debts made me feel like i was drowning. all i wanted to do was be alone. eric knows that i like to be by myself when i get home from work and that i prefer to hang out on weekends when i’m not at work. he started to get very angry when i kept saying that i didn’t want to come over after work on this particular week, then on thursday night, i gave in and went to stay. the following morning at five in the morning, i texted my mum to say i was about to leave his house. as i hugged him goodbye, my phone went off (it was mum texting to say “ok”). i get half-way home and receive a big long text from eric going off that someone was texting me at that early of an hour & i didn’t open it while i was there with him. i told him it was my mum & he said “i don’t believe that for a second”. later that day, he posted a text post on instagram that said “no matter how good your heart is, there comes a point when you have to start treating people the way they treat you” with the middle finger emoji as the caption.

 

this was the end of our relationship, no official ending. he started texting me calling me all different names, accusing me of chatting up other guys. i was thinking are you fucking kidding me. i hadn’t done anything. the only thing i’d done “wrong” was not open a text from my mum. after he’d finished abusing the fuck out of me through text, i told him again that it was my mum & sent him a screenshot for proof. then later that night, i see on instagram that he’s started to follow all of these girls and like all of their photos.

 

i’m done. i’m so fucking done with him insecurities. i’m done with being accused of things i haven’t done. i’m done with leaving his house & wondering what he’s going to text me and go off at me about. i’m done.

the break-up.

oh my god, i get myself into some situations. i did it, i broke up with “eric”.

 

i did it on the fourth day into our trip overseas while we were staying at his parents house. it was terrifying. i didn’t want to do it at that point in time, but he forced me to. i had been super distant for the first few days of the trip (i wouldn’t have any physical contact with him, couldn’t look at him properly, would go to bed super early…), and he decided to come to bed right after i announced that i was. he held me as tightly as he could and wouldn’t let me go until i told him how i was feeling. i couldn’t lie. i couldn’t sit there and tell him that i still liked him when i knew in my heart that the only person i wanted to be with was “drew”. it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done: to look someone [who is head-over-heels in love me] in the eyes and tell him that i no longer have feelings for him anymore, and that it’s nothing he has done.

 

i was terrified, he went upstairs and told his mum and step-dad the whole situation between tears. i could hear the whole thing. i heard his step-dad say that he’s going to throw me out. that scared the hell out of me. i was in a foreign country, fourty-five minutes out of town, in the middle of the night, and i knew no one there. i couldn’t even call my family because of the three hour time difference at that point. i started planning everything: how much my uber into the city was going to cost, looking at hotel rooms that weren’t going to break my credit limit, how i was going to get to our next hotel in another city. i even thought of flying my sister over and having her spend the rest of my trip with me. thankfully he didn’t kick me out, but staying with them was so difficult. his mother started making snarky remarks at every little thing i said: she’d say i was stupid for not wanting to upload a photo that i looked terrible in, that shopping isn’t a very smart thing to do, that i shouldn’t be on my phone, that i dress too provocatively. she was a total bitch.

 

a couple of days after: we got back together and things were all perfect again. this was about four weeks ago. one week ago, i ended our relationship again.

 

i don’t think i should be with someone that i’m not one hundred percent head-over-heels in love with. we have only been together for four months and to me, that means that we should still be in the honey-moon period where all we want to do is be with each other every second of the day, and i don’t feel that way. when i’m with him, i don’t want to be all cuddly, i would rather be on my own. i think we get into far too many fights caused by his jealousy and insecurities, and i am too strong minded and stubborn to let anyone push me around and tell me that i can’t hang out with a certain person.

 

i don’t think that “eric” and i are a good match for each other, and that hurts to say because when things are good, they’re good. i just don’t know if the good can out-weigh the bad at this point.

the camping trip. 

camping. on fraser island. an island in australia that is infested with wild dingos, thousands of horse flies, goana’s, crows, geckos and lizards. with no toilet. with hardly any cellphone reception. hundreds of km’s away from anything. one night down, three more to go. this is how i’m currently spending my holiday, counting down the days until i’m back to normal civilisation.

to say that i’m a “city girl” would be the biggest understatement of the century. my perfect day consists of waking up in my big, comfy white bed with my cat curled up beside me, scrolling instagram, pinterest & tumblr for a couple of hours, eventually venturing out of bed to hop in the bath with a lush bath bomb and cup of coffee, getting ready in my own time, taking a few selfies, heading out to get eggs bend and starbucks for brunch, doing a butt-load of shopping, then heading back to my big, comfy bed with my cat again. so for me to be out on an island right now is a massive surprise. 

i know that not many people get to see and experience the australian wildlife like this, and i should be grateful, but this is not me. i hate having no reception more than anything, i love being connected to the world and know what’s going on. having a shower in under 2 minutes? not my thing at all. having to pee in a hole in the ground, then cover it up with sand, not happening. not being able to go anywhere on my own, incase i see a wild dingo and it tries to attack me. get me off of this island. 

then, to go along with that problem, i am a total clean freak, so having my body constantly covered in sweat (it’s like 28 degrees celsius here & is super humid), dust, sand, and insect repellent, is not a holiday for me. having thousands of horse flies flying around me nearly sends me into an anxiety attack from my terrible claustrophobia. plus, i am still faced with the problem that i talked about in my last blog post. you know, the one where i talked about me not having feelings for my current boyfriend anymore. i can’t even begin to explain how hard it is for me to not say anything when he’s trying to cuddle up to me at night or be all cute and touchy-freely when i’m not feeling it at all. i cannot wait for the next leg of our trip: when we get to surfers paradise and i can spend the day away from him, with no awkward situations, proper cellphone reception, and as much shopping as my little heart desires. 

the heartbreak dilema.

i fucked up. i have messed up so terribly that i don’t know how to get myself out of this. the last thing that i wanted was for this to happen, and now the last thing that i want is to hurt anyone, but it’s not that simple.

so, you know the guy that i wrote my first blog post about? the one that stopped caring about me out of the blue? i’m going to call him “drew” (i’d rather hide the identities of each person for privacy reasons). then, you know my new boyfriend? the one that i wrote the “mr. right” blog post about? i’ll call him “eric”. i don’t know how to say this nicely, but i don’t have feelings towards eric anymore, i’m still deeply in love with drew.

when i first realised this, i shrugged my feelings off and put it down to just a phase. this phase has gone on for around a month. i feel awful because i have tried so hard to stop these feelings, but there’s nothing i can do, the more i try to convince myself that eric is the one, the more i realise that i’m kidding myself and it shouldn’t be this hard. i can’t force myself to feel romantic feelings towards eric when i’m truely still in love with drew.

drew is the one that’s on my mind at 10am on monday morning, knowing that that was the time that he would be getting home after dropping me off on monday morning when we were together. when i walk into a room filled with people, it’s drew that i scan the room for, not eric. when i hear my phone ding, i secretly hope that it’s drew that’s contacting me. when eric holds me, i want to burst into tears so terribly because i’m sub-consciously wishing that they were drew’s arms around me. it’s gotten so bad that it’s so incredibly hard for me to even look at eric. i’ve spent hardly any time with eric over the last month, and i feel so guilty allowing him to call me “babe”, when i know that i’m not his.

the whole reason that i haven’t just left eric yet, is because we have this trip overseas all booked and paid for that we’re currently on. this trip also falls on both of our birthdays, mine being my twenty-first birthday, one of the biggest birthdays of my life. i couldn’t just leave him when i’ve already spent a couple of thousand dollars on this trip. i know that sounds terrible, but that’s life i guess.

one event to note, is eric and i had a fight about a week ago. i’ve never been one to have a lot of girl friends, i’ve always gotten along with the boys better. i have a lot of guy friends, and no close girl friends (does my mum and sister count?). eric texted me all angry [i hadn’t done or said anything that could have possibly set him off], and told me to “go talk to one of your other boys”. i took serious offence to this because he wasn’t kidding at all. my best friend is a guy (i’ll call him robert), and eric had previously started a fight with me while he was drunk about me being friends with robert. he’d accused me of hooking up with robert (no offence to robert, but there is no way in a million years that i see anything happening between us), to which i told him he was being unreasonable, and there was nothing to worry about with robert. this fight that we had last week set me right off when he decided to bring robert up again. long-story-short, he basically told me that he didn’t want me talking to any guys (as friends) anymore, especially robert. this really got to me and set me off as i am not a person that would ever cut their friends off, just to make my partner happy. i told him that it wasn’t fair at all, that i had already told him that i had no girl friends, and that i would not be cutting anyone out that i didn’t want to. he soon cowered and said he was sorry, but i haven’t been able to even try and make an effort to feel romantic feelings towards him since this.

this is where i turn into a bad person. i snapchatted a photo of my boarding pass to drew. he messaged back, and we’ve been messaging back-and-forth since (this is the first time that we’ve spoken since i realised that i still love him). i’ve even changed his name in my phone to my sisters name, so eric won’t see his name and ask questions. drew actually asked me how my relationship with eric was going, and i told him everything. i told drew about how i’m not happy with eric anymore and i can’t be with him any longer. drew and i kept talking, with him saying that he wants to meet up with me when he’s back in my home country (he’s currently living overseas for a couple of months), he wants to give it another shot.

i feel terrible, i feel fucking terrible. i never wanted to be this person, and i never thought i would be. i didn’t mean for any of this to happen, but i guess the heart wants what it wants. i still don’t know how i’m going to end things with eric, or when to do so. all i know is that drew is the one that i’m in love with and can’t stop thinking about, and that’s not fair on eric at all.

wet dreams 2k17.

bay dreams is a festival that gets hosted in my home-town of mount maunganui right after new years, this year being on the second of january. eighteen thousand drunk and high people crammed into asb arena at a festival that had four different ticket releases, all selling out within minutes. it was also one of the best/worst experiences of my life.

i should’ve known from the start, to not do what i did. i arrived to my boyfriends house to find that he had already drunk a few beers, and was trying to come up with a plan to meet up with everyone before-hand. desperate to catch up, i started drinking straight out of the wine bottle, so fast that i was done with the first bottle in ten minutes. two wine bottles and a couple of beers later, i was toast.

desperate not to miss any of the action, we hopped in the taxi & promptly got out once we hit the stop-start traffic on the highway. here’s these two drunk short-asses walking along the main highway on our way to this event with drunk people yelling out their windows, laughing with us, and tooting their horns at us. to be fair, we were walking faster than they were driving, so who’s the real winner in this situation? both needing to pee, we decided to run off the side & pee in the bush. bad idea. we were both wearing white shoes & i had short denim shorts on. we stepped in a massive mud-puddle (our shoes are still brown after being washed & bleached three times). i walked through a cutting-grass bush that managed to rip my legs to shreds, which i hadn’t even noticed until half-way down the road when i wondered why my legs were burning… luckily some guys felt sorry for us, and popped the boot of their station-wagon for us to jump in & we got a ride with these complete strangers the rest of the way.

finally there, we waited in line for about an hour and a half to top our wrist-bands up with money, got a couple of drinks, and met up with our group. it’s at about this point where my memory goes in and out of what happened the rest of the night.

i remember we were with one of the other couples in our group, and the boys had decided that they needed to pee, so us girls stayed put in the exact same place in the field of the main stage, not wanting to lose our men. her boyfriend came back ten minutes later, and they went off together while i waited for my boyfriend. he texted me saying that he had lost his go-pro in the toilet (he’d left it in there, then when he realised he had, he went back to get it & it was gone). at this point, i was a little bit over-drunk and started crying in the middle of the field on the phone to my sister. imagine the sight of it: a drunk little five foot tall girl, hair a mess, legs all cut up, white shoes turned brown, mascara running down her face & eyes all red from crying. what a disaster. thank god one of my friends recognised this mess and helped me find my boyfriend.

there’s another big old blur, and all i can remember is singing to pop the trunk by yelawolf in the daylight, then the next minute it’s dark & raining and we’re dancing along to stranger by peking duk. high by peking duk is my favourite song in the whole entire world & i missed it because we needed to get another couple of drinks & pee. next thing i remember is having blisters the size of africa on my feet and my boyfriend giving me a piggy-back ride out of the stadium, trying to wave down a taxi in bucketing-down rain. we met an amazing couple that could see i was getting soaked and freezing, so the girl gave me a plastic poncho that she had in her bag as a spare to keep dry. 

eventually after not being able to find a taxi (like i said earlier, there were eighteen thousand people at this event, it was impossible to get a taxi), my sister and her boyfriend came to the rescue. 
safe to say that i had a pretty terrible night, but i’m so grateful to have such amazing people in my life to look after me and have my best interest. next time, i’m going sober…

mr. right.

three weeks ago, i met him. our first time meeting and our first date, going on a little roadtrip an hour out of town together to meet up with some of our mutual friends. we’d been set-up by one of those mutual friends who had texted me one day saying that this new man “is actually a decent guy” and “we would be so good together”. so far, he’s not wrong.

 

we went on a few dates after that one roadtrip. i had never gone on proper dates with someone that i’d never met before, getting to know someone from scratch. i have been having the most incredible time getting to know this amazing human: learning all about his life, his goals, his fears, his past, the places he wants to visit, how he behaves in certain situations, what he looks like crying into my shoulder at 4:00am. i know so much about this man, and he knows a lot about me. on christmas day, he asked me to be his girlfriend. 
i’m terrified. i am so incredibly scared because he makes me so insanely happy and i’m scared that i’ll completely open up to him and he’ll leave, and take my heart with him. i’ve never found someone so much like me before, someone with the same dreams & values as i have in life, and that scares me. he is the most kind-hearted, gentle, caring, and adventurous guy that i’ve ever met. he’s so open to going out and trying new things, no matter what anyone thinks of him. 

all fear aside, i’m so incredibly happy and grateful that he has stepped into my life & made such an amazing impact on it. i’m excited to see what the future holds for us and will be keeping you updated on our crazy little adventures.