it’s for me.

i went back-and-forth with myself a few times on whether or not i should write this post, especially as the first post on this blog. i didn’t know whether he deserved to have something written about him. i eventually realised that writing this isn’t for him, it’s for me. i needed to get these thoughts and feelings out in order for me to heal properly. that is how badly he has messed me up, everything i did while i was with him, was with him in my mind, and so we begin…

 
what happens when someone who you fell so deeply and quickly for, suddenly stops caring for you. how could things be going so well, then turn so badly so quickly. one week we were full of smiles, laughter, adventures, sharing our dreams & creating a future together; the next week, he couldn’t look at me, let alone cuddle me, or even speak to me.

 
at first, i thought he was cheating on me, which got me thinking “why am i not good enough? what have i not given him? what can i do to make him happier?”, then i saw the way he was acting with everyone else in his life. he was doing the exact same thing: wouldn’t talk to anyone without getting angry, said nasty things, give everyone dirty looks & shrug anyone off that tried to touch him (which was a massive deal, as he used to be such an affectionate person). it wasn’t just with me. i tried my hardest to fix things, i would do everything that i could; give him massages, do his washing, clean for him, get out of bed at 11pm to cook his favourite desert (crepes with nutella), take him out to brunch & dinner (our favourite thing to do together), and do whatever he asked of me, but it only got worse.

 
i don’t understand what happened, and that’s the worst part. i’m the type of person that prefers to fix what’s wrong, rather than leaving, but in this case, i needed to leave. i tried my hardest to fix it for the last month & a half, but when the other person isn’t putting any effort in, it just doesn’t work. after realising that i was spending more nights crying over him instead of being happy to have him, i knew it was time to get out.

 
three weeks after the last time i saw him, we still haven’t spoken to each other or officially broken up. some of the people in our lives are still holding onto hope that things will come right & “he’ll come to his senses”, but i have given up. it hurts me so badly, but not anywhere near as badly as staying in a relationship where i’m the only one giving any love.

 

it feels good to be back doing things for myself. i’m slowly getting back to the way i was before i met him. i’m go out with friends now, i’ve started drinking without feeling guilty anymore, my skin’s improved, i sleep in every sunday, i’ve thrown myself into work (and it hasn’t gone un-noticed), but i still wonder what happened. i’ll get there, but for now, it’s time to have fun & get into trouble again.

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