the heartbreak dilema.

i fucked up. i have messed up so terribly that i don’t know how to get myself out of this. the last thing that i wanted was for this to happen, and now the last thing that i want is to hurt anyone, but it’s not that simple.

so, you know the guy that i wrote my first blog post about? the one that stopped caring about me out of the blue? i’m going to call him “drew” (i’d rather hide the identities of each person for privacy reasons). then, you know my new boyfriend? the one that i wrote the “mr. right” blog post about? i’ll call him “eric”. i don’t know how to say this nicely, but i don’t have feelings towards eric anymore, i’m still deeply in love with drew.

when i first realised this, i shrugged my feelings off and put it down to just a phase. this phase has gone on for around a month. i feel awful because i have tried so hard to stop these feelings, but there’s nothing i can do, the more i try to convince myself that eric is the one, the more i realise that i’m kidding myself and it shouldn’t be this hard. i can’t force myself to feel romantic feelings towards eric when i’m truely still in love with drew.

drew is the one that’s on my mind at 10am on monday morning, knowing that that was the time that he would be getting home after dropping me off on monday morning when we were together. when i walk into a room filled with people, it’s drew that i scan the room for, not eric. when i hear my phone ding, i secretly hope that it’s drew that’s contacting me. when eric holds me, i want to burst into tears so terribly because i’m sub-consciously wishing that they were drew’s arms around me. it’s gotten so bad that it’s so incredibly hard for me to even look at eric. i’ve spent hardly any time with eric over the last month, and i feel so guilty allowing him to call me “babe”, when i know that i’m not his.

the whole reason that i haven’t just left eric yet, is because we have this trip overseas all booked and paid for that we’re currently on. this trip also falls on both of our birthdays, mine being my twenty-first birthday, one of the biggest birthdays of my life. i couldn’t just leave him when i’ve already spent a couple of thousand dollars on this trip. i know that sounds terrible, but that’s life i guess.

one event to note, is eric and i had a fight about a week ago. i’ve never been one to have a lot of girl friends, i’ve always gotten along with the boys better. i have a lot of guy friends, and no close girl friends (does my mum and sister count?). eric texted me all angry [i hadn’t done or said anything that could have possibly set him off], and told me to “go talk to one of your other boys”. i took serious offence to this because he wasn’t kidding at all. my best friend is a guy (i’ll call him robert), and eric had previously started a fight with me while he was drunk about me being friends with robert. he’d accused me of hooking up with robert (no offence to robert, but there is no way in a million years that i see anything happening between us), to which i told him he was being unreasonable, and there was nothing to worry about with robert. this fight that we had last week set me right off when he decided to bring robert up again. long-story-short, he basically told me that he didn’t want me talking to any guys (as friends) anymore, especially robert. this really got to me and set me off as i am not a person that would ever cut their friends off, just to make my partner happy. i told him that it wasn’t fair at all, that i had already told him that i had no girl friends, and that i would not be cutting anyone out that i didn’t want to. he soon cowered and said he was sorry, but i haven’t been able to even try and make an effort to feel romantic feelings towards him since this.

this is where i turn into a bad person. i snapchatted a photo of my boarding pass to drew. he messaged back, and we’ve been messaging back-and-forth since (this is the first time that we’ve spoken since i realised that i still love him). i’ve even changed his name in my phone to my sisters name, so eric won’t see his name and ask questions. drew actually asked me how my relationship with eric was going, and i told him everything. i told drew about how i’m not happy with eric anymore and i can’t be with him any longer. drew and i kept talking, with him saying that he wants to meet up with me when he’s back in my home country (he’s currently living overseas for a couple of months), he wants to give it another shot.

i feel terrible, i feel fucking terrible. i never wanted to be this person, and i never thought i would be. i didn’t mean for any of this to happen, but i guess the heart wants what it wants. i still don’t know how i’m going to end things with eric, or when to do so. all i know is that drew is the one that i’m in love with and can’t stop thinking about, and that’s not fair on eric at all.

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