oh my god, i get myself into some situations. i did it, i broke up with “eric”.
i did it on the fourth day into our trip overseas while we were staying at his parents house. it was terrifying. i didn’t want to do it at that point in time, but he forced me to. i had been super distant for the first few days of the trip (i wouldn’t have any physical contact with him, couldn’t look at him properly, would go to bed super early…), and he decided to come to bed right after i announced that i was. he held me as tightly as he could and wouldn’t let me go until i told him how i was feeling. i couldn’t lie. i couldn’t sit there and tell him that i still liked him when i knew in my heart that the only person i wanted to be with was “drew”. it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever done: to look someone [who is head-over-heels in love me] in the eyes and tell him that i no longer have feelings for him anymore, and that it’s nothing he has done.
i was terrified, he went upstairs and told his mum and step-dad the whole situation between tears. i could hear the whole thing. i heard his step-dad say that he’s going to throw me out. that scared the hell out of me. i was in a foreign country, fourty-five minutes out of town, in the middle of the night, and i knew no one there. i couldn’t even call my family because of the three hour time difference at that point. i started planning everything: how much my uber into the city was going to cost, looking at hotel rooms that weren’t going to break my credit limit, how i was going to get to our next hotel in another city. i even thought of flying my sister over and having her spend the rest of my trip with me. thankfully he didn’t kick me out, but staying with them was so difficult. his mother started making snarky remarks at every little thing i said: she’d say i was stupid for not wanting to upload a photo that i looked terrible in, that shopping isn’t a very smart thing to do, that i shouldn’t be on my phone, that i dress too provocatively. she was a total bitch.
a couple of days after: we got back together and things were all perfect again. this was about four weeks ago. one week ago, i ended our relationship again.
i don’t think i should be with someone that i’m not one hundred percent head-over-heels in love with. we have only been together for four months and to me, that means that we should still be in the honey-moon period where all we want to do is be with each other every second of the day, and i don’t feel that way. when i’m with him, i don’t want to be all cuddly, i would rather be on my own. i think we get into far too many fights caused by his jealousy and insecurities, and i am too strong minded and stubborn to let anyone push me around and tell me that i can’t hang out with a certain person.
i don’t think that “eric” and i are a good match for each other, and that hurts to say because when things are good, they’re good. i just don’t know if the good can out-weigh the bad at this point.