crate disaster.

saturday the third of december 2016 was crate day in new zealand. it was also the day that my younger sister wrote her car off. with a car full of passengers. one of them has fractured his collar bone as a result of the crash. the police were called. my younger sister will more than likely lose her licence now. she was not drunk, she was not texting, she was driving twenty kmph under the speed limit. 
i can’t explain the worry that i felt, the fear that came over me when i got that phone call from my father at 8:32am on sunday the fourth of december 2016. he told me that my seventeen year old sister had wrote her little red car off at 10:27pm the night before, 8klm’s up the road from my house, and had been in hospital all night. i immediately felt so intensely upset and tried to call my sister, but she didn’t answer. 
i called mum, only to find out that dad wasn’t supposed to tell me, no one wanted me to find out. i felt so hurt by this. why would no one (other than my father) tell me what had happened to my little sister? she’s my bestfriend, the person that i tell everything to, and i thought that she knew that she could tell me anything aswell. so why hadn’t she told me about this?
two hours later, her and her friends came to pick me up and take me up to the crash site. they had moved the car to a friend’s house, 500 metres up the road the night before, but there was still glass everywhere. we picked up pieces of her car (door handles, seat belt retractors, a mirror) out of the grass, and looked at the skid marks on the road, trying to work out what had caused the car to flip. 
we drove up to the house to look at the car. it was haunting. there was shattered glass all through-out the car, the whole rear window was gone, the roof was caved in, and the front windshield was caved in so badly right where my sister’s head would have been. to think that my little sister and her friends were in that car when it turned into the mess that it is right now, is terrifying. 

i am so incredibly grateful that they are all alright and walking around happy and healthy today. my little sister does have to face court soon, but i’m praying that she will not lose her licence. i can’t imagine what she’s going through. please remember to always drive safely and cherish your loved ones. you never know when the last time you see them may be. 

soul mate.

i’m writing this as a message to not only myself, but to everyone else out there that is feeling down about not finding their soul mate yet.

 

please, please, please don’t think that you have to be in love right now. please don’t be upset that you haven’t found your one true love to come home to every night. please don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you because you don’t have one person that romantically will never leave your side. it’s okay.

 

love is an incredible, amazing, twisted, crazy, roller-coaster of a thing that has mysterious ways of sneaking up to you. yes, you have been in love before and it’s one of the happiest feelings on earth; being able to love someone and be loved in return is incredible. just because those other douche-bags in the past couldn’t continue to give you the love that you deserve, it does not mean that someone else won’t. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, baby.

 

he will come along one day. you may meet him tomorrow, you may meet him in five years’ time, you may meet him when you’re fifty years old. you may meet him while you’re out on your lunch break, you may meet him in the fruit & vege section of the grocery store, you may meet him while out with friends, you never know. just because you haven’t met someone already, does not mean you will not meet someone else.

 

and if you’re feeling like you’ll never meet someone, please remember that you don’t need a man (or woman) to make you happy. as long as you continue to be happy with yourself, and love the crap out of your own smile, the amazing sound of your laughter, the earth beneath your feet, and the air all around you, you do not need someone else. if you’re feeling lonely, get a dog (or a cat, they look after themselves far better).

 

please don’t feel like you need someone else to create your future with, you are so much stronger than that.

summer loving.

okay, so i know that summer doesn’t officially start for another two weeks, but it’s beginning to feel a lot like it here in little new zealand. i’ve just spent the afternoon at the beach after kindly being given the afternoon off of work from my boss & as i write this, i’m sitting out on the deck in a bikini: wine in one hand, phone in the other & the summer jams pumping out of the speakers.

 

i can’t even begin to explain my love for summer. i am such a beach baby, i constantly have sand in my hair and salt on my skin. the beach is where i go when i’m happy, sad, confused, angry, and just need to re-collect myself and my thoughts. it’s my happy place. when i go there, i remember crazy summer days when i was younger & spent the summer school holidays there. the coke fest’s, the new year’s eve parties, the final days of year 12 playing beach volleyball, the nights that we’d get bored and walk down to the beach, just watching the waves roll in and out, lit by only the light of the moon.

 

then there’s the parties. oh how i love late, hot nights spent getting absolutely trashed with friends. hot bodies all rubbing up against each other while dancing to the greatest hits, smiles on our faces, laughing the night away slut-dropping on the pole at bhut with my girlfriends. flirting with the hot, tanned, shirtless boys with effortless hair and their chain necklace. i always fall for that type. then “yeah” by usher comes on in the club, and everyone loses it. doing countless shots one-after the other, dressed in the shortest, skin tight dress that you can find in your wardrobe. and not remembering a single thing in the morning.

 

oh and the gorgeous afternoons around the barbecue, talking about old memories, with a few ice cold corona’s sitting on icy in the chilly bin (in new zealand, that means about four 18 boxes of corona crammed into one chilly bin between four people). especially on crate day. omg, if you’re not from new zealand or australia, you will not understand just how glorious crate day is. crate day is always celebrated on the first saturday of summer (this year being the 3rd of december), and the challenge of it is to drink a whole crate of beer to yourself during the day with your best mates.

 

i could talk about so many other things i love about summer, but now that i’m on about my fifth glass of wine, i had better stop before i get all sappy. i just want to say one more thing. i cannot wait for the excitement of this summer, and all of the new hot, shirtless guys that will get me into so much trouble will bring.

it’s for me.

i went back-and-forth with myself a few times on whether or not i should write this post, especially as the first post on this blog. i didn’t know whether he deserved to have something written about him. i eventually realised that writing this isn’t for him, it’s for me. i needed to get these thoughts and feelings out in order for me to heal properly. that is how badly he has messed me up, everything i did while i was with him, was with him in my mind, and so we begin…

 
what happens when someone who you fell so deeply and quickly for, suddenly stops caring for you. how could things be going so well, then turn so badly so quickly. one week we were full of smiles, laughter, adventures, sharing our dreams & creating a future together; the next week, he couldn’t look at me, let alone cuddle me, or even speak to me.

 
at first, i thought he was cheating on me, which got me thinking “why am i not good enough? what have i not given him? what can i do to make him happier?”, then i saw the way he was acting with everyone else in his life. he was doing the exact same thing: wouldn’t talk to anyone without getting angry, said nasty things, give everyone dirty looks & shrug anyone off that tried to touch him (which was a massive deal, as he used to be such an affectionate person). it wasn’t just with me. i tried my hardest to fix things, i would do everything that i could; give him massages, do his washing, clean for him, get out of bed at 11pm to cook his favourite desert (crepes with nutella), take him out to brunch & dinner (our favourite thing to do together), and do whatever he asked of me, but it only got worse.

 
i don’t understand what happened, and that’s the worst part. i’m the type of person that prefers to fix what’s wrong, rather than leaving, but in this case, i needed to leave. i tried my hardest to fix it for the last month & a half, but when the other person isn’t putting any effort in, it just doesn’t work. after realising that i was spending more nights crying over him instead of being happy to have him, i knew it was time to get out.

 
three weeks after the last time i saw him, we still haven’t spoken to each other or officially broken up. some of the people in our lives are still holding onto hope that things will come right & “he’ll come to his senses”, but i have given up. it hurts me so badly, but not anywhere near as badly as staying in a relationship where i’m the only one giving any love.

 

it feels good to be back doing things for myself. i’m slowly getting back to the way i was before i met him. i’m go out with friends now, i’ve started drinking without feeling guilty anymore, my skin’s improved, i sleep in every sunday, i’ve thrown myself into work (and it hasn’t gone un-noticed), but i still wonder what happened. i’ll get there, but for now, it’s time to have fun & get into trouble again.